How to discuss money, death and wills
How to help your parents overcome the reluctance to plan for death
02:43 PM CDT on Sunday, April 22, 2007
By ANALISA NAZARENO / Special Contributor to The Dallas Morning News
It seemed as good a time as any - quiet, alone with her mother, preparing Thanksgiving fixings in the kitchen of her Crandall home.
In her late 40s now, Roxanna Lock had witnessed the havoc a sudden death in the family could wreak on the unprepared survivors. Wanting to avoid such rifts with her sister and loved ones, Ms. Lock squelched her discomfort, summoned her courage and tried to be as tactful as possible.
"I said, 'Mom, I don't want to insult you, but I would like for us to discuss what your personal needs are, what you'd like for us to do and what you'd like for us to take care of if something happens to you or Daddy,' " Ms. Lock says.
It was an awkward moment for a daughter whose mother had held the family purse strings tightly. "I didn't want them to think that I was prying into their personal business," Ms. Lock says. "And I didn't want them to think that I have any desire for them to pass away."
A fact of life
Death planning - drawing up a will, designating someone for durable power of attorney, delineating a health care directive - is the family discussion that most would rather save for another day.
Daughters slink around it. Sons shrug it off. Parents pooh-pooh it as something for other people: those who are the truly aged and infirm.
And yet, with death as the most certain of life's events, it is a given that families are better off having that family meeting earlier, when the stakes are low, rather than when death is pounding at the door.
"Any rather arbitrary event - a co-worker's death, someone getting sick, a milestone birthday - any of those occasions is a good one to bring the subject up," says Dr. Bert Hayslip, a University of North Texas psychology professor who specializes in aging and death. "I would rather use those events than a heart attack or a diagnosis of cancer."
Family counselors and estate planners say in the best of situations, parents initiate the discussions in an open family meeting so they can explain their decisions, answer questions and head off any post-death sibling rivalries.
But estate planners nationwide estimate that 70 percent of adults have yet to draw up wills or other estate planning documents. And even the well-to-do, individuals with at least $500,000 in assets and annual incomes of $150,000, have dawdled on estate planning, with 37 percent saying they've yet to accomplish this task. That's according to a survey released last year by PNC Advisors, an investment management firm.
So children - who might wonder whether their parents would want them to pull the plug or continue life support; arrange for a burial or cremation; or donate assets to charity or split them among the children - will have to ask.
The right time
Dr. Hayslip and other counselors say families should seize the opportunity when the conversational door opens.
Such openings might include news events, such as last year's court battles between family members who fought about whether to keep Terri Schiavo alive or to remove the feeding tube from the Florida woman who had lived in a persistent vegetative state for 15 years.
When such an opening comes up, Dr. Hayslip offers this suggestion: "I would say, 'I saw this in the newspaper and I'm just wondering if you thought about this,' and see where it goes."
Tread lightly at the beginning, family counselors say, because parents might be hesitant to discuss the topic at first. They may resent the fact that they are getting older or be fearful of death.
"It may need to be brought up and dropped," says Kathy Jordon, a North Richland Hills family therapist.
"Gently is how a child should approach a parent," Ms. Jordon says. "And with questions, rather than a list of things that they have to do and saying you need to get this done and that done."
For many aging parents, accustomed to being in control and in charge of family matters, the wrong approach could heighten anxieties over the loss of control over one's life, says Washington, D.C.-based grief counselor Mila Ruiz Tecala.
"You have to look at it from their perspective and say, 'Mom, we're worried about your health and we want to make sure you're cared for. And we want you to have control over how you're going to be cared for," say Ms. Tecala, a clinical social worker.
In her experience, Ms. Tecala, a clinical social worker, says, many of her clients avoid writing a will because they feel to do so is akin to making a contract with the Grim Reaper.
"There is this fear that if you put it in writing, you're going to die," she says. "Of course, we're all going to die anyway. But there is this superstition that writing it down will make it happen faster."
Ms. Tecala says she drew up her own documents several years ago and held a family meeting to discuss her plans with her two sons during her 60th birthday dinner three years ago.
"I gave them copies of my will and advance directives and told them where I'm keeping them in the house and said, 'Hopefully, you will respect my wishes,' " Ms. Tecala says.
Lessons learned
Dallas resident Cheryl Luck says after experiencing the deaths of her grandparents, and holding her mother's hand while she died in hospice 10 years ago, she became more open about death, estate planning and advance directives.
She even confronted her 23-year-old son, Evan, asking him whether he would want his organs donated or disposed of, in case of an accident.
"He was taken aback for a minute, but he was quick to answer that he wouldn't want them to go to waste," Ms. Luck says.
Ms. Luck says she tries to convey the idea of estate planning as a necessary part of adult life. She and her husband, Eric Luck , now both 51, drew up their first estate plan after they bought a home while in their mid-20s.
As for Roxanna Lock and her parents, Robbie and Bob, now 74 and 79, her discomfort ended that Thanksgiving Day, when she started having those discussions. Her parents have done some estate planning already, and Ms. Lock, a legal secretary, is helping them update the documents.
"They have been very reassuring," Ms. Lock says.
"They know that I'm not doing this out of any other reason other than making sure that they are comfortable. And they know that these are things they probably should take care of."
HOW TO HAVE THE TALK
BRING UP THE TOPIC during windows of opportunity such as after a minor illness, while watching the news or while reading a story about a sudden death or after a relative's funeral.
WAIT FOR THE RIGHT TIME, when parents are relaxed and receptive.
BE SENSITIVE TO PARENTS' FEARS - losing independence, getting older, facing death, etc.
BEGIN THE CONVERSATION by asking open-ended questions. For example: "Mom, I'm wondering if you thought about the Terri Schiavo case, and what would you want if you were in the same position?"
FRAME ESTATE PLANNING as a way of maintaining control. For example: "Dad, we want you to maintain control over your assets and your body if something happened to you. Have you thought about estate planning?"
IF A PARENT BECOMES UPSET, drop the subject. Bring it up during the next "window of opportunity."
ESTATE PLANNING ELEMENTS
WILLS: If you die without a will, state laws will determine who receives your property by default.
LIVING WILL: A document that expresses your medical care preferences.
HEALTH CARE PROXY: Also known as "durable medical power of attorney," it allows you to choose a person to make medical decisions for you if you are incapacitated.
POWER OF ATTORNEY: Valid in all states, this document gives a person the power to act legally on your behalf (such as paying bills).
LIVING TRUST: A trust that you create to manage property. While you are living, you direct the trustee. Upon your death, the trustee is directed to either distribute the property or to continue to manage it for your beneficiaries.
SOURCE: American Bar Association, "Estate Planning FAQ"
How to help your parents overcome the reluctance to plan for death
02:43 PM CDT on Sunday, April 22, 2007
By ANALISA NAZARENO / Special Contributor to The Dallas Morning News
It seemed as good a time as any - quiet, alone with her mother, preparing Thanksgiving fixings in the kitchen of her Crandall home.
In her late 40s now, Roxanna Lock had witnessed the havoc a sudden death in the family could wreak on the unprepared survivors. Wanting to avoid such rifts with her sister and loved ones, Ms. Lock squelched her discomfort, summoned her courage and tried to be as tactful as possible.
"I said, 'Mom, I don't want to insult you, but I would like for us to discuss what your personal needs are, what you'd like for us to do and what you'd like for us to take care of if something happens to you or Daddy,' " Ms. Lock says.
It was an awkward moment for a daughter whose mother had held the family purse strings tightly. "I didn't want them to think that I was prying into their personal business," Ms. Lock says. "And I didn't want them to think that I have any desire for them to pass away."
A fact of life
Death planning - drawing up a will, designating someone for durable power of attorney, delineating a health care directive - is the family discussion that most would rather save for another day.
Daughters slink around it. Sons shrug it off. Parents pooh-pooh it as something for other people: those who are the truly aged and infirm.
And yet, with death as the most certain of life's events, it is a given that families are better off having that family meeting earlier, when the stakes are low, rather than when death is pounding at the door.
"Any rather arbitrary event - a co-worker's death, someone getting sick, a milestone birthday - any of those occasions is a good one to bring the subject up," says Dr. Bert Hayslip, a University of North Texas psychology professor who specializes in aging and death. "I would rather use those events than a heart attack or a diagnosis of cancer."
Family counselors and estate planners say in the best of situations, parents initiate the discussions in an open family meeting so they can explain their decisions, answer questions and head off any post-death sibling rivalries.
But estate planners nationwide estimate that 70 percent of adults have yet to draw up wills or other estate planning documents. And even the well-to-do, individuals with at least $500,000 in assets and annual incomes of $150,000, have dawdled on estate planning, with 37 percent saying they've yet to accomplish this task. That's according to a survey released last year by PNC Advisors, an investment management firm.
So children - who might wonder whether their parents would want them to pull the plug or continue life support; arrange for a burial or cremation; or donate assets to charity or split them among the children - will have to ask.
The right time
Dr. Hayslip and other counselors say families should seize the opportunity when the conversational door opens.
Such openings might include news events, such as last year's court battles between family members who fought about whether to keep Terri Schiavo alive or to remove the feeding tube from the Florida woman who had lived in a persistent vegetative state for 15 years.
When such an opening comes up, Dr. Hayslip offers this suggestion: "I would say, 'I saw this in the newspaper and I'm just wondering if you thought about this,' and see where it goes."
Tread lightly at the beginning, family counselors say, because parents might be hesitant to discuss the topic at first. They may resent the fact that they are getting older or be fearful of death.
"It may need to be brought up and dropped," says Kathy Jordon, a North Richland Hills family therapist.
"Gently is how a child should approach a parent," Ms. Jordon says. "And with questions, rather than a list of things that they have to do and saying you need to get this done and that done."
For many aging parents, accustomed to being in control and in charge of family matters, the wrong approach could heighten anxieties over the loss of control over one's life, says Washington, D.C.-based grief counselor Mila Ruiz Tecala.
"You have to look at it from their perspective and say, 'Mom, we're worried about your health and we want to make sure you're cared for. And we want you to have control over how you're going to be cared for," say Ms. Tecala, a clinical social worker.
In her experience, Ms. Tecala, a clinical social worker, says, many of her clients avoid writing a will because they feel to do so is akin to making a contract with the Grim Reaper.
"There is this fear that if you put it in writing, you're going to die," she says. "Of course, we're all going to die anyway. But there is this superstition that writing it down will make it happen faster."
Ms. Tecala says she drew up her own documents several years ago and held a family meeting to discuss her plans with her two sons during her 60th birthday dinner three years ago.
"I gave them copies of my will and advance directives and told them where I'm keeping them in the house and said, 'Hopefully, you will respect my wishes,' " Ms. Tecala says.
Lessons learned
Dallas resident Cheryl Luck says after experiencing the deaths of her grandparents, and holding her mother's hand while she died in hospice 10 years ago, she became more open about death, estate planning and advance directives.
She even confronted her 23-year-old son, Evan, asking him whether he would want his organs donated or disposed of, in case of an accident.
"He was taken aback for a minute, but he was quick to answer that he wouldn't want them to go to waste," Ms. Luck says.
Ms. Luck says she tries to convey the idea of estate planning as a necessary part of adult life. She and her husband, Eric Luck , now both 51, drew up their first estate plan after they bought a home while in their mid-20s.
As for Roxanna Lock and her parents, Robbie and Bob, now 74 and 79, her discomfort ended that Thanksgiving Day, when she started having those discussions. Her parents have done some estate planning already, and Ms. Lock, a legal secretary, is helping them update the documents.
"They have been very reassuring," Ms. Lock says.
"They know that I'm not doing this out of any other reason other than making sure that they are comfortable. And they know that these are things they probably should take care of."
HOW TO HAVE THE TALK
BRING UP THE TOPIC during windows of opportunity such as after a minor illness, while watching the news or while reading a story about a sudden death or after a relative's funeral.
WAIT FOR THE RIGHT TIME, when parents are relaxed and receptive.
BE SENSITIVE TO PARENTS' FEARS - losing independence, getting older, facing death, etc.
BEGIN THE CONVERSATION by asking open-ended questions. For example: "Mom, I'm wondering if you thought about the Terri Schiavo case, and what would you want if you were in the same position?"
FRAME ESTATE PLANNING as a way of maintaining control. For example: "Dad, we want you to maintain control over your assets and your body if something happened to you. Have you thought about estate planning?"
IF A PARENT BECOMES UPSET, drop the subject. Bring it up during the next "window of opportunity."
ESTATE PLANNING ELEMENTS
WILLS: If you die without a will, state laws will determine who receives your property by default.
LIVING WILL: A document that expresses your medical care preferences.
HEALTH CARE PROXY: Also known as "durable medical power of attorney," it allows you to choose a person to make medical decisions for you if you are incapacitated.
POWER OF ATTORNEY: Valid in all states, this document gives a person the power to act legally on your behalf (such as paying bills).
LIVING TRUST: A trust that you create to manage property. While you are living, you direct the trustee. Upon your death, the trustee is directed to either distribute the property or to continue to manage it for your beneficiaries.
SOURCE: American Bar Association, "Estate Planning FAQ"